Delightful You

Song of Solomon 5:16 – This is my beloved and this is my friend

I walked into a Starbucks this morning in a bit of a rush. I had signed up for a webinar and I had a few moments to get my coffee and log on to my computer. My heart sank when I saw the long line at the counter.  Clearly, the webinar sans coffee was not an option.  In the busy Starbucks, I slipped around two young women that were slowly sauntering towards the counter.  I heard the sharp intake of breath and an indignant, “Well!” and knew immediately that they disapproved of my haste.  “No matter”, I told myself and got in the line, still anxiously watching the clock. The young women slipped in behind me and as we waited for the line to move, I met the gaze of one of the girls.  She gave me the evil glare as her eyes conveyed hostility and condemnation. I clearly felt her judgement and disapproval.  In an instant so many negative feelings rose up at once and even though I averted my eyes and choose to ignore her glare – I felt defensive, angry and even ashamed. Reactively I thought about what I might say to her in defensive response.

What???  I don’t even know her. How could such a minor transaction promote all that?  I thought about the many times a day that people encounter brief but powerful transactions such as this one.  Even as I judged her unkindness, I had to admit the many times that I myself  have reacted in such a manner towards strangers and my loved ones alike.

This brings us to an astounding power-packing principle of relationships. It has to do with the way we see each other.

Who likes you? Stop and think about it.  Who are the people in your life who enjoy being with you and who see you in a positive way?  Who delights in you? Take a moment and make a mental list of names.

One would think that positive regard is automatically present in close relationships but you know that it is not. You know this because you have lived long enough to know that you receive varying feedback from the members of your community. Of course, your most positive, fulfilling relationships contain a sense of value and regard. In those relationships you feel respected and valued for who you are.

You intuitively know how people see you.  You get a sense of positive, negative or neutral regard from your interactions with others and it makes all the difference to the course and outcome of the relationship.  True, sometimes you over or under-estimate how others see you (Because of projection  – a topic for another day), but generally you are uncanny at making a fairly accurate determination.

Now look at your list.  Who’s on there?  More importantly – who’s not?  Your family? Your faith community? Your friends? Your work peers? Your spouse?  Who likes you?

Positive regard is caring for a person and seeing them in a favorable light while giving them  permission to have their own unique feelings and their own experiences.  It means respecting their differentness without judgement and criticism and freely acknowledging their value as a Child of God, under His care and management.  It is a powerful life-giving component of healthy relationships.  When Positive Regard is absent or questionable it brings instability and stress into the relationship.

Sometimes when I’m working with a couple it doesn’t take long for me to get a strong sense that the positive views towards one another that were once there, have faded.  Instead, criticism and discontent has eroded the positive feelings and each is feeling negativity from the other.  When this is the case, there is always an underlying sense of discouragement with the relationship and a growing sense hopelessness. The couple displays some version of despair about the future and one or the other wonders if it is worth the struggle.

Disapproval is not an efficient motivating force in relationships. While disapproving of someone  can extract compliance  from the other person the price for it is insecurity and doubt. It is a short term motivation. People will only fight so long for the approval of others before they give up trying.

Sometimes during a couple’s counseling session I’ll turn to one while gesturing toward the other and say, “Does he/she like you?, Do they approve of you and respect you?”  Sometimes the answer is a sighing “no” and other times there is contemplative silence….(also a revealing answer).  If there is a clear and confident,  “Yes I feel value and respected”, then we are often near the end of the need for counseling.

Several years ago, I asked my husband, Werner this question.  I glibly brought up the topic confident of the answer because in my mind, it was clear.  “Do you get that I like you and respect the person that you are?”  It was met with a painful silence and I watched as he struggled to find the right words lest the conversation deteriorate quickly.  Finally, he responded weakly, “Sometimes….”. A protest rose to my lips but was quickly silenced by my desire to see and hear what I may not have admitted.  Whatever I felt towards him in my heart, I was not communicating it well and it impacted the depth and security of the relationship.

Is it possible to stay long term in a relationship where the approval of the other is withheld?  Yes, absolutely! One person can be the grown-up and continue to behave kindly in any relationship.  You know this if you have family members that you tolerate for the sake of family….But you also know that it’s really hard – like metal scraping on metal – and ultimately not the way God designed relationships to be.

Disapproval extracts self protection,  falseness and insincerity.  In a relationship is does not bring life and health but rather, drains and paralyzes.

When you criticize me, I intuitively dig in to defend myself. However when you accept me like I am I suddenly am willing to change.  Carl Rogers

On the other hand, an atmosphere of positive regard frees a person – to love, to create, to engage, to suggest, to be vulnerable. In this atmosphere I am free to risk honesty, to give whole-heartedly out of who I truly am and what I feel.

But let’s move away from thinking about how others are treating us – because ultimately we could talk about that all day and still have no power over it. Instead, let’s think about how we treat others – especially the most important people in your life, particularly your spouse. How are you doing? What are you communicating – both verbally and non-verbally What would they say about your regard for them?

You know this because it’s not rocket science – if you want to engage the best in your spouse, if you want to bring out the cream:  the unguarded, purest, freshest part of another – it can only be done in an atmosphere of regard and affirmation.

Affirmation goes a long way.  Marriage researcher John Gottman has been examining marriages for 40 years.  More specifically, his research focuses on what contributes to success in a relationship versus what factors contribute to failure.  After exploring thousands of relationships over many years, he has narrowed down the success factors to some simple principles.  Not surprisingly, success turns out it has much to do with positive vs negative interactions in a relationship.

Gottman uses the analogy of an emotional bank account.  Positive interactions are deposits and negative signals are withdrawals.  Anything that promotes connection or attachment and conveys positive regard would be positive: a meeting of the eyes, a wink, a touch, expressions of gratefulness or appreciation.  On the other hand, anything that conveys disapproval or diminished value would count as a withdrawal: eye-rolling, stony silence, criticism, name-calling.  The thing about this particular account is that it does not call for an equal balance – in other words – it does not call for the same number of deposits and withdrawals.  Gottman found that in secure relationships the deposits outnumber the withdrawals by five to one. That’s right: the withdrawals are five times more powerful and impacting then the deposits.

I can’t emphasize enough how powerful non-judgmental acceptance can be.  It is a valuable tool that we carry with us to be used generously with relationship-revolutionizing, world-changing results.  Its power generates results so quickly and immediately that it’s astounding. If you doubt this, think about the last time you were discouraged, beaten down, depressed or blue. Was there a time in the midst of your struggle where you met with a friend or family member or peer for a conversation?  If the conversation was the least bit affirming and you assessed that it was mutually satisfying…..If you got the impression that the other cared about you….even if you never spoke about your own struggle – I am sure – you left that interaction feeling better. Your load seemed lighter and the future seemed brighter.  Maybe it was just a tiny bit or maybe it was all you needed to resolve your funk….but it had an effect.

The principle is quite simple.  I affirm what is true, what is Biblical what God says about another. It’s not a lie, it’s not fake, I believe it because it is true for me and for the entire human race.  I project value to you based on my understanding of God’s loving creation of all of mankind.

I’m not just talking about being nice to each other. Being nice is largely different then holding sincere positive regard for another.  Nice is a demeanor designed to keep things congenial and to look good.  Positive regard acknowledges the other person’s essence and their standing before God. Having lived for a long time in faith circles where “being nice” is celebrated, I have experienced more than my share of fake friendliness but insincere friendliness is a far cry from what we’re discussing here.  Certainly, a big smile and a vague compliment is better than an angry criticism but it does little to bring the emotional ties to a relationship that hold strongly and securely over time.

True Positive regard contains these qualities:

1. I listen carefully to what you say and validate your perspective and your right to have it even if different than mine.
2. I do not give unsolicited advice or imply that you are inferior because of your perspective.
3. I send non-verbal messages of affection, regard, and attention
4. I respect your perspective and the journey that has led you to your perspective and your conclusions.
5. If I do not understand, I ask questions designed to bring understanding. I do not use my questions as a tool to back you into a corner.
6. My positive messages outweigh corrections, complaints, disapproval.

You might be protesting.  “But what if they……?”  What if they’re hurtful or they’ve made bad decisions? Wouldn’t it be insincere to express regard towards someone who is destructive? Does this mean I always approve, I always agree and always admire?  Good question. And no – It would be naïve to think that possible. All people make wrong choices, and display selfishness We are all capable of making decisions that bring pain to others. In every relationship there will be differences, disagreements and hurts. We don’t have to agree with or affirm other people’s decisions.  Instead, we affirm their personhood.  So it doesn’t have to do with the actual decisions and choices that my loved one makes – which will have to be dealt with and negotiated for a lifetime. It has to do with the underlying value we acknowledge in one another.

Underlying because It’s kind of like layers in the relationships.  The foundational layer is one of positive regard and affirmation of ultimate value and God imparted gifts.  I affirm that you are worthy of love, you are gifted and you have much to offer the world. In God’s eyes you are infinitely valuable and although broken (like I am) worthy of love, care and affirmation of you personhood.  All interactions are then based on that foundational layer.

With that basis, when there is disagreement or even complaint in the relationship the discussion is situational or based on the facts– with the strong underlying belief that the value and regard for the other is intact.  It’s reflected in the words that are used and the way complaints are framed – non-shaming and non-dismissive of the person.

Here’s the thing.  We that are people of Faith understand that the One who created us unconditionally loves us desperately. This is the very thing that draws us into relationship with Him.  Before we were able to grasp this there was nothing to mitigate our shame and desperation to find worth and value. Having received this kind of value and worth, we have a gift to pass on to others.  Why would we not?

Start with the person closest to you – your spouse and family members. Assess what messages you may have been sending about your regard for them. Think about the ratio of positive to negative? Then think about how you can better convey your love and respect towards them – as a loved One of God, as a person that you have committed your life to.

Then go and engage the world in a way that conveys regard and respect – even at Starbucks.

The only antidote to shame is the word and touch of someone who delights in us. We need an alliance of love, one that knows our shame and suffering and refuses to look away.  Dr. DanAllender